12 Feb The Box Under My Bed
A year ago today I would’ve never imagined that I would be sitting down at my desk, writing a “tell-all” about one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through.
A year ago today I was an extremely different person than who I am now. I was insecure, doubtful, vulnerable and above all else, confused. Today, I decided that it was finally time to air out my dirty laundry and come face to face with one of my biggest secrets; the box under my bed.
A year ago today, my best friend and I broke up. I knew it was coming for a long time as we had been trying for a while to re-build trust after he told me that he had cheated on me. However, I was still truly taken aback by the shock I felt, and the emotional and physical toll my body endured. I was experiencing things I had never encountered and was struggling to find ways to cope. Although my friends were a huge support during this time, I still struggled to find something that made me feel like myself again.
Roughly a month after my breakup a few close friends helped me create my box. In this box were letters to myself and my ex, thousands of spiralling questions, photos and mementos from the last 21 months of my life. I found that once my pen hit paper I was able to let go of some of my demons and direct my focus to other areas of my life, FINALLY I had found something that allowed me to put the broken pieces of myself back together. And so, after a year of the box remaining hidden I’ve decided to open it for all eyes to see. The following excerpts expose my sadness, anger, pain and vulnerability. I hope that they reiterate to someone out there that it is okay to feel the things that you are feeling and that time heals all wounds. I don’t know when it happened, but eventually I was back to being myself, if not a better version of who I was before. You will get through this and although you don’t believe me right now you will be stronger due to the things you have gone through and the self-exploration you have been forced to experience. Just remember that not everything that glitters will turn into gold.
I can’t stop thinking of her. Someone that I can’t compete with. Someone who makes me feel useless and ugly. I never realized that losing you was one of my biggest fears until you made the possibility of it happening so real.
You spent an entire night talking to someone, building a connection with someone and erasing the possibility of us. Take in that while you were with another girl I was waiting at home for a response to my text and looking at photos of us from the last 21 months.
This summer I rushed to finish all of my work each night to make sure I had time to talk to you for as long as possible. I was trying so hard to prove to you that you meant everything to me. I updated you on the little details of my day and asked you all about yours. This part of my memory is what hurts me the most.
I am reading into everything that you do. I am so hyper aware of the things that you say and the way that you act around me. I constantly catch myself thinking about the days leading up to that night. Did I do something wrong? I never realized how valuable trust was until you took it away from me. This ‘incident’ has turned a lot of perfect memories into sour ones for me.
I think I am losing you. Not today, but soon. I have always loved your rock solid composure but sometimes I wish I could see right through you and hear everything that you are thinking. I am begging for the truth but a part of me would rather not know the truth because I have a strong feeling that you have already made up your mind and are ready to go your separate ways.
I think a lot about if staying with you was the right choice. How you repeatedly told me that I deserve better. I want to stay with you because I love you and I always have but by staying with you am I sacrificing loving myself. I am terrified of the inevitably bigger heartbreak coming my way because I won’t be able to lean on you for support.
Just picturing the way you used to look at me. I wonder when that changed. This is all so scary.
I wish I felt better. I keep finding things to make me happy and think I am starting to feel like myself again until a thought of you pops into my head. The hardest part is accepting the fact that you are fully gone. The dreams really suck, or should I call them nightmares. I wake up smiling, forgetting about all of the pain I have been through and remembering that it is no longer my reality. I wish I didn’t care anymore. It is hard to put into words the things that I am feeling. I can’t wait until I stop caring about you.
I am having a hard time swallowing that something so fake is the reason I was so happy. You are starting to act like you don’t care and it makes me feel like what we had means nothing to you. Fuck you.
You have had so long to get used to the idea of not being with me but I have only had 2 and a half months to get used to living my life without you. As much as I want to be friends and talk to you, it all hurts too much. I need to spend time away from you to allow myself to become my best self. Do you miss me?
It is so frustrating that after three weeks of not seeing you and only thinking shitty thoughts about you it all came flooding back after a twenty-minute interaction. I wonder if you’re happier now. Sometimes all I want is to have you here holding me. I still believe that giving up on this is the worst thing you could’ve done.
The worst part is, after everything that you’ve done, I still love you. I am afraid to forgive you because it’s the only thing stopping me from missing you completely.
I’m so frustrated that every exciting thing brings me back to you and for a split second I am excited by your memory until I am reminded of all of the pain that you put me through. I wonder when you’re going to stop popping into my head so regularly & when I’m going to fully accept the fact that we aren’t an option anymore. You must know that already.
I am starting to come to the realization that our relationship had a lot of imperfections. A lot of the memories that I find myself dwelling on were filled with tension. I am starting to forget what I was holding onto so tightly / why? You were everything I thought I needed and I’m frustrated that it all still seems so recent. I go through great patches where I truly feel like I’m moving past it all.
I’ll never be able to fall in love with someone the way I fell in love with you because you took away all of the trust that I was able to give on a first shot. You ruined that for me and I’m so mad at you for that.
Missing moments like watching Harry Potter in your residence room and playing with each other’s thumbs, how amazed you were by my doodle banana and when you wouldn’t kiss me because you knew it was something special. I loved you a whole lot. Just miss having you to talk too sometimes cause I felt like you really understood and for a while you really cared.. I miss the kid/punk duo and how easy it all felt during the good times.
It is time to stop idolizing you and saving a spot for you in my next chapter. I have to keep in mind all of the reasons you are bad for me and all of the things you did to hurt me. It’s more than just the smiles, it’s all of the frowns.
I used to look at this box and all of its contents feeling sad and heartbroken. It was a part of my room that represented the pain I endured and the loneliness I never thought I would be able to overcome. Now, when I look at this box I am empowered by the growth it displays. I am proud of the box under my bed because it shows that I have what it takes to get through hard things and no one can get it the way of me becoming my best self.