There is a variation of cabin fever spreading across the library (dubbed “Stauffin Fever”), infecting students who spend a few too many hours confined to a desk, soaked in fluorescent light and computer radiation. We’ve all been here. Staring at a blank document that won’t write itself, or an equation that refuses to unravel can send a person’s mental psyche spiralling to a place that resides somewhere between television static and the first ring of hell.

Common symptoms include:

–       Minimum 1 hour(s) spent rereading the same passage

–       No comprehension of readings

–       No advancement in assignments

–       Loss of motivation

–       Delusions of having spent your entire life in Stauffer

  • Cases have been noted where people are convinced they were born in Stauffer

–       Fantasies of grandeur

–       Obsessive Compulsive Facebook: irresistible impulse to command-T + f + ↓ + enter

This condition typically strikes around exam season, but as long as deadlines and procrastination exist, anyone is susceptible at any time. It is paradoxical that prolonged stay at the library reduces productivity, while increasing discomfort exponentially. Sufferers have been known to etch their misery into cubicle wood. Proclamations such as “Get me out of here” and “Club Stauff 4evs” indicate a distressed and disoriented mood state. Further progress of this condition has not been recorded, as everyone leaves Stauffer … eventually.

To avoid contracting Stauffin Fever, measures of precaution have been developed to protect the sanctity of the student mind and body.

1)    Go with a friend

2)    Set a predetermined duration of stay – it is especially effective to break it down to a designated amount of time per subject.

3)    Work close to the windows, while it’s bright outside

4)    If it looks like a long stay ahead of you, be sure to implement breaks such as:

– Grabbing food (or sangria) at QP

– Starbucks (not-so-guilty pleasure)

– A walk (good excuse to take an extra break to find new music)

Naturally, the more input hours will result in a higher academic output. However, note that one efficient hour can save about three half-hearted ones. The best recommended procedure is to walk in with the intention of getting your sh*t done, and then getting the hell out. Your bed and Netflix are waiting.


Yours creatively,

Calista Kim, Online Contributor

Image: We Heart It


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