14 Feb Hook-Up Horror Stories
Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great excitement that I reveal to you everything that makes us so proud to see our fellow degenerate Gaels on 5th year and Canadian party life. We, without a doubt, know the way to make a name for ourselves. The days of “what happens behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors” remains no more, of course, with the digital age’s gift of opting for full anonymity in order to fully disclose our cringe transgressions. It was truly a special kind of honor to filter through the surplus of bodily-fluid based skeletons that you’ve kept in your closets but, alas, it’s time to rifle through the best of the worst, and feel a little better about your own cringeworthy moments.
Happy reading, and keep up the good work everyone.
I was living out west and went home with a guy. To my surprise, he lived in his van 👍🏻 Needless to say, I spent the night. At six am we were woken up by a banging on the window. It was a parking officer and we were having a ticket written up for $150. In the morning I checked my phone to find hundreds of texts and missed phone calls. It turns out that my housemate had knocked out four of her teeth and my other housemate had reported me as missing. My location on ‘find my friends’ made it look like I had spent the night in a river. After getting a ride home, they were happy to hear that it was actually a night in a Honda.
I’d been hooking up with this guy for 3 months. I thought my period was done (and I’m also okay with period sex) and so we did the deed (in the dark). I walked to the washroom afterwards to pee and that’s when I saw a red handprint on my leg. Blood everywhere. He left pretty quickly after that and I haven’t spoken to him since.
It was high school. I’d just been dumped by a long-term boyfriend and I met up with this guy I had mutual friends with. First red flag was that he asked what park we’d meet to have sex in (I told him that my room was probably better). Then he couldn’t put the condom on properly since the size was too big. We went through like 4, and the cherry on top! …..He couldn’t cum! SO he asked me to piss in a bathtub for him since turns out that that’s a thing he’s into. It had been 3 hours and I wanted him gone so I popped out of my body and pissed in the bathtub. I don’t believe in God, but if he pulls that moment up when explaining to me why I’m going to hell I wouldn’t even be mad.
My worst hookup story is my own fault… I was in grade 12 and I was visiting my sister at Western for the weekend. As the token high schooler, all my sister’s friends were helping me get super fucked up. We went to a frat party and I ended up going home with this guy. First of all, it was frosh week and he had hardly moved in, so we hooked up in the basement of his new place on a mattress on the ground. While having sex I puked… on myself, on him, on the bed. It was absolutely mortifying. He was pretty nice about it but understandably pissed. He put me in the shower to clean myself off while he stripped the bed to wash the sheets. Shortly after, he came into the shower and asked if I knew how to work a washing machine… after we got that going, I left and went back to my sisters place.
Went on a date with a guy, he wouldn’t stop rubbing his nose against mine in bed. No kissing. Just nose rubbing.
I was seeing this guy who I was tree-planting with in Northern Ontario a few summers ago. Things got pretty serious pretty quickly and I moved into his tent a week after we started sleeping together. He was a lot older and definitely more experienced than I was at the time. He made it pretty clear a few weeks in that he really wanted to have anal sex. I had never done it before and wasn’t really into it. Towards the end of the summer, though, I decided that I would give it a shot. As we were living on a bush camp, the tent definitely wasn’t the place to try it for the first time. On a day off, we drove into town (where the population was under 1,000) and went to the grocery store. Our lube options were next to none, so we opted for good old Vaseline. Next on the list was finding a location. We drove around looking for an arena or a hotel that would let us use their shower. We stumbled upon this trailer park owned by this super nice old couple. They offered up their own personal shower for our use! Don’t worry, we turned down that offer. Instead, we used the trail parks shower, a pay-as-you-go tiny little thing. Anyways, we had anal sex in this questionable shower using Vaseline. It was… as you would expect. I definitely would recommend trying anal sex if you’re curious or into it but would recommend using anything but Vaseline in a place where you might be a little more comfortable.
My tinder match came over to my dorm. Once he arrived, we started talking and making out. As I tried to push things further, he kept asking if I’m too drunk (was mildly buzzed at best). I kept insisting I was fine and wanted to go on with things when he flirtatiously insisted I do a sobriety walk to confirm. Kinda confused, I did it across my room. Then he told me to do it in just my underwear. Getting weirded out, I hesitantly did it. Then, he told me to do it naked. Too weirded out, I said no. We went back to making out and he then couldn’t get hard enough and then left. The end.
In first year, I was hooking up with this guy who was nice but I didn’t know him super well. One night after the bars I was super drunk and brought him back to my res room. While we were making out, drunk me thought “hmmm, I need to fart. Might as well do a silent one, he won’t notice!” So, then I let out literally the loudest fart I have ever made. It must have lasted AT LEAST 6 seconds. When I was done…. we were both silent. I felt like I needed to address it, so I said “That was a fart”. He replied “Yes, I know that that was a fart”. I asked him to leave and I’m proud to say that he has probably texted me about 10 times since then asking to hang out. I have turned him down every time.
I’d been snapping this guy for a while. He had really set the expectations high. He comes to my dorm and it’s awkward for like a minute until he starts talking to me about my schedule which was taped to my door. Out of nowhere, he jumps on me and we start making out. That’s it. Making out. I go to undo his pants and by then it’s too late. “Oh no. OOOH NOOO. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.” And with that he pushes me off and asks where the bathroom is. He comes back, says “Sorry, it’s been awhile, I just broke up with my girlfriend two months ago.” He told me he needed to go and shower. Then never messaged me back.
Gave my first blow job in the stairway at Stages.
Mid hook up, he told me I should do squats.
I was once hooking up with this guy, and mid make out he took a hit of his vape and tried to exhale it back into my mouth… I left.
This guy came over to my house and we hooked up. After falling asleep I was woken up to the sound of a small fountain. TURNS OUT, the guy was peeing into my laundry hamper. I begged him to go to the bathroom and then waited for him to come back and grab his clothes. He got a little lost on the way back and ended up passing out, butt naked in my housemate’s room. I ran into my neighbour’s house because I didn’t know how to deal with the situation. My neighbour, without much thought grabbed a kitchen knife and headed into my house. He woke up the perpetrator who frantically scrambled to his feet, grabbed his clothes and left. Goes without saying that I didn’t see him again.
I fell asleep at his house and I woke up in the middle of the night to multiple rats on his kitchen counter eating the leftover food from the night before. When I told him in the morning, he denied that it happened and said I must have been dreaming…?
I had a one-night stand with a guy from the club who I’d just met that night. After he left, I looked everywhere for the condom we’d used so I could throw it out. Nowhere to be found. About … FOURTY EIGHT HOURS later, I was at work in the morning and felt an extremely strange sensation in my pants. Went to the bathroom and pulled a used condom out of my vag.
I’ve always had a thing for guys with moustaches but never really had the chance to hook up with one… until the night of … the incident. I was on my way out of stages when I saw him and his furry friend and introduced myself. He asked if he could have my number and I said I’d rather just take him home so he better chug his drink cause this train was leaving the station. We get to my place, start kissing and losing clothing until he pulls away and asks if I had a bucket. I booked it to my kitchen, trying to find something but by the time I’m back he had puked over the side of my bed and was just lying there naked, looking like a guilty child. I’ve had a few drinks so I was feeling nice, cleaned it up, got him some crackers and water only for him to tell me that the crackers were too stale! So that’s when I said gtfo of my house :)))
I hooked up with a guy 5 years older than me in my residence room in first year. I already was kinda confused why he was interested in a first year if he was a graduate student, but after some super uncomfortable small talk, he kissed me. While we were kissing, he tried to put his entire fist in my mouth. The worst part is that after that, I was super uncomfortable and thrown off and he just kept going and after we were done he refused to leave. He just went under my covers and fell asleep…
I had this low-key crush on a guy I worked with but he had a girlfriend at the time, so that was the end of that. A year later, he had moved on to a different job but messaged me on Instagram super randomly and we talked about hanging out soon. The original date we planned, I waited for hours for him to tell me where his house was before finally getting a response saying that he had completely forgotten that we were supposed to hang out that day. I gave him a pass and decided to try one more time, that was a mistake. I went over to his house and we went down into the basement to watch tv, but as I sat down, he told me “Oh, the TV must not be working down here, let’s just go up to my room.” Me, being a super naive 17-year-old Catholic girl, agreed without thinking twice. We decided on a movie and started to cuddle in his bed. Next thing I knew, he turned my head and started to suck my face. At that point I had never kissed anyone so I had no idea what to do and I was just sitting there letting him go to town. Eventually he made his way down to my neck and then around to my ear, and he full on stuck his tongue IN. MY. EAR. And in that moment, I thought it was normal! After a bit he got bored and went to unbutton my pants, and I stopped him, to his surprise. I don’t think he had ever been turned before, because he got super quiet and told me about 10 minutes later that his friend was dying… so we had to cut this short. Now at 20, I have realized that sticking your tongue in someone’s ear is not normal, and I haven’t spoken to him since, but I do tell this story every chance I get.
It was a great hookup at first! But then he started kissing down my body…hips, calves, ankles, and I was going along with it until all of a sudden…..my WHOLE FOOT was stuffed in this man’s mouth.
Turns out, Ale has a basement you can get into.