The following are the five different types of people guaranteed to be at every Super Bowl party:
1. Those who genuinely understand, care about, and enjoy football.
A rare breed. Not only do these creatures understand the majestic sport of football, but they care about it. They care about it so much, in fact, that they are actually rooting for a team. They’ll show up to the party in a jersey with an obscure name on the back. Not “Manning,” or “Romo,” but someone talented, yet underrated; a rookie, perhaps. They’ll “shhh” fellow partygoers when they try to comment on which player is the cutest, or which jersey has the nicest colours. They’ll commentate loudly during epic commercials about the last “play.” Yeah, they’ll annoy you extensively if you fall into any category that isn’t theirs, but at the end of the day, Super Bowl Sunday is their day. Don’t try to understand it, just let them have it.
2. Those who “fake it till they make it” (they never make it).
A very common breed. These people will come to the party wearing jerseys too, but unlike those in category one, they’ll have the name of the star player on their back and know nothing about them. They’ll yell when everyone else yells, and cheer when everyone cheers. If you are lucky, you might even over hear them saying “I love their costumes” in reference to the jerseys. They have no idea what’s up, but instead of owning it like categories two through five, they take the “fake it till you make it” approach. While I am a lover and supporter of the “fake it,” now is not the time. It’s the Super Bowl, baby, and you’re fooling no one.
3. Those who like Bruno Mars.
Therefore, no one. Bruno Mars as a half-time performer is a horrific choice. Unless he plays “Grenade.” That song is fantastic.
4. The Analysts.
The analysts are those who come to the Super Bowl party simply to watch the commercials. Very understandable; the ads are generally pretty sweet. They’re funny, they usually have some good celeb moments, and they give you something to talk about the next day. The analysts, however, love to give their full commentary and opinion on each commercial. “That was awful! I could come up with a better slogan!” (No you definitely couldn’t), “Oh my God, did you guys see that!?” (Yes, we clearly saw that. Were sitting next to you), “That was sooooo funny. Did you think that was funny?” (Yes, again. We saw that. We thought it was funny. You literally just heard me laugh). The analysts are the worst. Don’t invite them.
5. Those who are hungry.
I love these people. They know absolutely nothing about football, they do not care about who is performing at the halftime show, and they’re in the kitchen during every commercial break so they don’t even see the ads. These are the foodies. They heard there were Super Bowl snacks, so they came running. Nachos? Sweet! Wings? Even better. Some cute little chocolate covered strawberries that look like miniature footballs? Of course! God bless you, food lovers, and may you have a good night.
Avery Hoffman, Social Media Team + Online Contributor
Image: Fashion Bom Daily (Kate Upton in “We’ve Got Game,” Vogue February 2014. Shot by Mario Testino.)