No one writes about the love that they messed up. Are people afraid to give themselves the unfortunate credit?
Love you threw away.
Love you cheated.
Love you fell out of.
Love too great, you fled from it.
Yes, there are many types of love one experiences, and the aftermath of each loss never becomes easier to endure.
But how do you heal from a relationship you destroyed yourself? All those times I’ve cursed at my ex-lovers for breaking my heart without blinking…those heartless bastards. How could they?
But now I’ve committed the act myself. He probably cursed at me too; only I didn’t just blink after. In fact, I was blinded by the hurricane of tears pouring out of my eye sockets, making me feel like the most monstrous person on the face of the earth. How could I do something so cruel to someone so magnificent? Did it make me a bad person?
The worst part came later down the road when I realized that I had made a horrible, irreversible mistake. No matter how hard I tried to take corrective actions – such as buying stupid gifts we both would’ve chuckled at pre-breakup, telling him I missed him in case he had forgotten despite the last twenty text messages I sent saying the same thing, or trying to perform as many “random” (but actually super pre-planned) acts of kindness to win back his heart—he wouldn’t budge.
He was angry.
He was sad.
“You threw it away.”
“But you broke up with me.”
We have all been that person, saying those exact things; the angry victim of heartbreak. Words can’t take away your hurt. Words can’t take back what they’ve done no matter what they say. You’re just pissed.
But those two people, the victim and the culprit, are both human. Humans have a healing process to endure and, moreover, they all make mistakes. These two people are really the same.
Just because someone leaves us, it does not mean we are worthless. A break up does not reverse the love someone had for us; we shouldn’t lose ourselves without them or cease to love ourselves. Our moral compasses are not defined by needing to leave someone we loved. We had the capacity to love and to leave them before we knew we could hurt them more. Love is hard and messy, and sometimes we end up sitting in the mess we have made, kicking ourselves for letting them go.
In both instances, for both people, time will carry us on our feet until we are ready to make another beautiful mistake.