I think most, if not all, people who know me consider me to be a pretty strange individual. I feel like an 85 year old trapped in a 19 year old’s body. I fulfilled my biggest dream when I was 9, when my aunt Lauren taught me how to knit. Ever since then, I knew I wouldn’t be interested in most of the things other people my age thought were “cool” and “fun.”
Don’t get me wrong, I love to go out with friends and dance (preferably at The Underground in my Hello Kitty button down shirt), but there is one thing I just couldn’t wrap my head around — Tinder. Knowing that I don’t really get embarrassed all that much, my friends would pretend to be me and download Tinder onto my phone for their pure entertainment, and I was honestly just happy that they were having fun with it. Some pretty absurd conversations resulted from this. If I’m going to be honest, TINDER MAKES ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.
But seriously, once I noticed I was actually afraid of Tinder, I decided to face my fear and get it. People always urge me to step out of my comfort zone, but every time I do, something ridiculous happens and all I learn is that I should stay within my very large and already pretty diverse comfort zone. But that’s beside the point.
So I got Tinder and I uploaded some pictures that were classy and tasteful (oh God I was actually starting to care). I also chose to swipe right to everyone; maybe if I didn’t do this I would have had a different experience. But either way, I appreciate my Tinder experience very much.
Things that were running through my head the whole time:
Would anyone say this in person?
Why did I just match with a truck?
Are you somehow tracking my exact location now? Are you watching me?
Do you know my middle name?
What did you name that giant fish you caught in your tinder picture? Did you eat it for dinner? And if so, what spices did you put on it?
I was actually starting to really enjoy being on Tinder, but I also found it was taking over my life. I would catch myself turning on my WiFi (I’m the only person in 2015 without a data plan, thank you mom) to check how many matches and new messages I got. Talking to someone on Tinder was so strange to me because I felt like I was having a one on one intimate conversation with someone, but when I looked up from my screen, I would always be alone in my queen sized bed wearing a nightgown and eating squash soup out of a mug.
While I can say that my 3 days with Tinder were hilarious, I decided I had had enough. However, I did keep some souvenirs of my lost loves. Here are some of my favourite, most intimate and romantic conversations from my own experiences and also those of my friends.
1. This guy was the sweetest person. He even acknowledged that my picture of a Lazy 4 piece and curly fries was sexy. I knew we would hit it off from the first thing he sent me. He even “Super Liked” me.
2. Just the satisfaction of knowing that someone genuinely loves the curls is enough for me.
3. Somebody please explain:
4. This guy who won my heart:
5. When my friend got asked on a romantic date:
6. When this complete stranger knew me better than I even knew myself (a fierce, untamed tiger):
7. To this guy, who at least was upfront and honest. He was just hungry and wanted a tart.
8. To the bad boy I fell in love with:
9. This one is just overwhelming. Didn’t even know what to respond to first:
10. And my all time favourite…
Tinder away, friends.
Erez Zobary, Online Reviewer