How to Lose a Guy in Ten Tinders

MUSE Weekly:

tinderfinal

To tinder or not to tinder…that is the question.

If asked my opinion on Tinder just a few months ago, I would have told you that I think it’s creepy as f**k. Why? Because it is. And that’s the truth. In the spring of last year, however, Tinder was the sh*t and people were digging it hardcore. At this time, it was a common occurrence to have a phone shoved in my face, followed by the statement: “OMG! Ew! This guy!” And while there were many moments of Tinder temptation, I never succumbed. Among my many life accomplishments, I can proudly say that I survived the Tinder pandemic of 2013!

As it goes with most apps (remember Draw Something? Ha!) Tinder peaked… and then it crashed. By the time summer rolled around, the people had spoken, and Tinder was out. A few weeks ago, however, my life took a turn for the awesome. It was at this time that Tinder and I met at last.

It was a hungover Saturday just like any other, when my housemate Claire decided that we were going to embark on an expedition of absolute hilarity. The game plan was simple. Step one: get Tinder. Step two: ask our suitors the most absurd “would you rather?” questions of humanity and see how they respond. GAME ON! Within a couple of hours of our social experimentation, we had our game down to a science, nay, an art.

The rules of our little game go something like this: you can begin by responding to someone who messaged you (essentially just addressing your typical Tinder salutation of “hey there, sexy”) or you can be your bold self and initiate a conversation. Regardless, you want to lure them into this chat with a very simple question. You don’t want to scare them away straight off the bat, so you start off by playing it safe with a nice and easy “would you rather?” question such as: “My Chemical Romance or Mariana’s Trench?” Or, “Dr. Phil or Dr. Pepper?” This is simply to test the waters. The answer you get from that question determines what kind of Tinder-er you’re dealing with, and where this conversation is about to go.

See, you’ve got “The Borings”: the snoozers who give one word, unoriginal answers. Sam* for example, let me know that he “prefers Mariana’s Trench.” Fantastic, Sam. Fantastic.

Then you’ve got “The Rude Dudes”; a classic example being Mike*. When I asked him the fairly normal question of “nuggets or chicken strips?” his response was: “nuggets, bitch!” Well, thank you sir for you time. Unfortunately, I will now be sending you the “thumbs up” emoji and this conversation will cease.

There’s also “The Straight Up Creeps”: In response to “My Chemical Romance or Mariana’s Trench?” James* said, “your chemical romance.” And while I do give him points for creativity, they’re automatically cancelled out by his innate creepiness.

And then we have the “Gems”: The gems are the pals who know what’s up. They’re jokes but not sketchy. And it is with said gems that the conversation continues and the “would you rathers” get taken to an entirely next level of weird.

I would now like to share with you, good people, a collection of the best “would you rathers,” and the responses I received from only the most elite class of gems.

Would you rather…

1. “Wake up next to Mr. Bean or Nicholas Cage?”
Ben*: “Mr. Bean for sure cuz I’d be hung titties, and he’d make me laugh. Besides Cage is f**ked looking for treasure or something” (‘hung titties’ is now a common phrase among my friends… Thanks, Ben!)

2. Wake up half-naked in a Denny’s parking lot or spoon feed Rosie O’Donnell?
Jake*: “Wake up half naked spoon feeding Rosie?”
Alex*: ‘Denny’s no doubt. I’m not putting my hands anywhere near her face.”
Max*: “Well spoon feeding Rosie, I’d probably lose a hand so I’m gonna go with Denny’s”

3. Be sexually attracted to fruit or permanently have Doritos dust struck to your fingers?
Jake*: “Fruit. I’ll marry an orange and have an affair with a papaya” (scandalous).
Jimmy*: “Okay, you are assuming I don’t already have those problems” (even more scandalous).

4. Have six kids who look like Zack Galifanakis (full beards from birth) or a wife that looks like Justin Bieber?

Jake*: “Zack without a doubt. Marvelous little specimens”

5. Piggyback Rueben Studdard or not eat KD for a year?
Max*: “No KD for a year, I’d eat PC white cheddar” (I include this because I deeply respect the way in which he found a legitimate loophole).

6. Barack Obama in assless chaps or Hulk Hogan in a banana hammock?
Nick* “I’ll take Hulk Hogan because I like the words “banana hammock” (this, my friends, is sheer logic).

While yes, I still do recognize that Tinder is sketchier than the old randoms who stand around The Spot and watch you dance, I’ve now seen the light. Tinder is a beautiful thing. (… can be a beautiful thing) so long as you play your likes right!

* indicates that names have been changed. I’ve literally always wanted to write that (makes me feel super legit).

 

Yours creatively,

Avery Hoffman, Social Media Team + MUSE Weekly blogger

Image: Tumblr